Broke but not Broken

The 23rd of April was life changing for me. 

I attended a Family Building Conference. I learned a lot about new technology, testing for embryos that can help those who are in need, IVF, IUI protocols, adoption... I left that day feeling like my heart was glowing.

I had hope.

Then suddenly life changed about a half month later. I was prepared to make phone calls. I learned of the possible Supreme Court reversal... It felt like some of the light was snuffed out, that my strength I held onto, my armor was still strong but worried it could start to crack. I remember the day I spoke of this possibility with friends, was also supposed to be my grandmother's 90th birthday, had she lived to see the day. Our family lost my grandmother last year, after about two months of health decline, in and out of the hospital.

My heart was feeling heavy.

That weekend was Mother's Day and I celebrated as best I could, my husband and our child showered me with love, gifts, and a day together in the gardens near where we live. It meant everything to me.

Allergies from the weekend and by mid week I had lost my voice all-together. Suddenly my mother was in the hospital, back home across the state, hours from where I live.  I had to have my husband speak for me as if I tried to speak mere squeaks or hushed whispers muttered.

And then the roller coaster began.

My mind was not centered on family planning, it was all about my mother and making sure she was ok.

Mom was in the hospital for about a week, then off to rehabilitation. We learned later that she had a heart attack, as well as being diagnosed with congestive heart failure (CHF).

A message came my way I did not anticipate, I learned that keepsakes I had intended to be in memory, I may never receive. Precious, irreplaceable sentiments from my deceased daughter, Noelle, we lost from Full Trisomy 18, and the money invested to create these keepsakes. At the time I was only slightly worried, however still had hope that the business owner would make it right. 

Then sudden while my mom was at rehab, fluid in her lungs and back to the hospital, finally after about a week and a half, another trip to rehabilitation. Many things to take into account for her health and hope for healing and gaining strength.

This time at rehab was a bit more extended than the first at almost two weeks. Her last week there she complained of being stuffed up and having a minor cold, somehow she was released and after a few days, with struggle getting around after release, she ended back at the hospital, this time with Covid. 

About a week in the hospital, including a few extra days while trying to figure out a safe place for her to be, more chest pain after being released, and another trip back to the hospital.

And then the Supreme Court reversal actually happened... As if my heart couldn't take much more.

My strength, my armor, felt like it was beginning to crack, the light fading.

This last visit to the hospital Mom had another episode, AFIB, CHF, they are terrible when they dance with one another, and these had all been dancing the tango for over a month.

I normally would not feel like complaining, however who, under the right mind, releases a patient from a hospital during a holiday weekend? That takes me up to the most recent events, the July 4th holiday weekend. A phone call that wasn't received in a timely manor and a release that suddenly happened before it was anticipated. Released to a facility that wasn't even on a suggested list, and far from home.

I still don't have answers from the hospital. The facility my mother has been at even had one full day pass and there was no insulin in stock. Unacceptable.

Three visits to the area during this time, one resulted in witnessing a "heart episode" (so say the doctors as they can't properly diagnose without another cardiac cath, of which is too risky to do at this time), while my son and I visited, which we feel most certainly was another heart attack. 

I have had several moments where I was readying myself to call clinics for family planning. And twice now I've been frozen, unable to move forward. Even after attending the last KC Infertility Meeting.

Every single day for about one week, phone calls to facilities for my mother, after three attempts finally finding a place that should be able to accept her and care for her needs. All while trying to find long term care. I haven't been putting myself first, there is the illusion of that I suppose, but not fully...

I had my regular grief counseling session this past Monday. I was jumbled for words, too many thoughts, what I need to do, what is unfinished, housework, what is to come in the week, what I need to do to help my mother from afar while she continues to be in rehabilitation.

Tuesday was here and I knew the weight of the last two months was weighing on my heart. I was flustered that morning, I wanted to make calls to clinics in the area for family planning, but my heart wasn't in it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. The time had arrived in the day to get my kiddo from summer camp, and I had to take a moment to finally cry. The rest of the day felt heavy, I haven't felt a weight like this in years. 

Yesterday was an eye opening and I'm still not back to where I feel I should be. I even admitted this to someone I know this morning during summer camp drop off. The difference between yesterday and today is now I can open up about it. Isn't that the first step? 

If you see me in person I may or may not want to talk about how I've been doing.

Today is a new beginning. 

I may be broke but I am not broken. That is what loss is too, the grief that surrounds us, the light snuffed out, hearts shattered... Eventually the light flickers and hearts mend, with bandages, stitches holding the broken pieces together, scars remain as a reminder of where you have been.

I am building back up the bricks to my shield, however I won't allow it to harden my heart.

I have no idea what is ahead of me, and I'm thankful I'm not alone.
I need to do more for myself, real things, filling my own cup.

I have learned many times over that I can't be there for others if I don't do my best to be there for myself first. Much inner work since the loss of my daughter Noelle, I continue to do what I can to grow as a person. 

What I've written is only a preview into my life, the last two months have taken a lot of energy from me.

This took a lot out of me today. 
If no one else reads what I wrote, that is ok, this was for me and I needed this.