Let People Be Sad. October 9th, 2022.
This is worth sharing again one year later, as I’m still in my grief from my most recent loss, my mother.
"Want to help a grieving friend? Let them be sad. Really.
Sadness is a natural response to loss, hardship, and death. It just is.
And it's hard to know what to do when your friends are hurting. It sucks to see someone you love in pain. The thing is, you can’t cheer someone up by telling them to look on the bright side, or by giving them advice. It just doesn’t work.
The trick is to lean into your helplessness in the face of your friend’s pain. Your job, honestly, is to feel awkward and stay there anyway. Just hang right out with their pain.
When things are dark, it's OK to be dark. Really. Not every corner needs the bright light of encouragement. In a similar vein, don't encourage someone to have gratitude for good things that happened to them in the past or for good things that still exist.
Example: We recently we saw a person respond to someone's expression of sadness by telling them to shove down all the "bad feelings" and think about the good things they still have in their life.
NO!
First of all, just say no to unsolicited advice. When someone talks to you about how hard this is, notice your impulse to jump in with a solution, and then DON'T DO IT. Most of the time people are simply looking for acknowledgment about how awful this situation is.
Second, good things and horrible things occupy the same space; they don't cancel each other out. Sadness is healthy. Telling someone to look on the bright side or appreciate what they still have just tells them you're not someone they can talk with about their pain.
Instead, mirror their reality back to them. When they say, "This sucks," say, "Yes, it does." It may seem too simple, but it's amazing how much that simple acknowledgement helps. It is an unfathomable relief to have a friend who does not try to dismiss or take the pain away.
For more resources on how to truly be the supportive friend you most want to be, visit refugeingrief.com and click "Someone I Know Is Grieving.""
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