Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Three

  Grab the tissues… https://fb.watch/iKdqrnA22D/ Bigger Than The Whole Sky, by Taylor Swift.

I keep reading things that I needed to hear...   

 Sharing this from Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc.  " Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc. October 21, 2022    ·  When we are newly bereaved, often our loved ones see us in the pain and heartache of losing our babies and just want us to get better, feel better, go back to "normal", and re-engage with life again in the way we used to do. They often rush us through our grief because it is painful to see us in the depth of our sadness, and they ache for us to move on. But as bereaved parents, we know that we will never be the same after losing our baby. There is no "moving on". There is no rush to "get back to normal" because we know we that we have been irrevocably changed by deep love and devastating loss. What we often need and want more than anything is patience from our loved ones: patience while we wade through our grief, patience as we take time to process our new reality and adjust to life without our babies, and patie...

Needed to read this today...  

 Not giving up. You shouldn't give up either.

  R emembering our angel babies and missing them. Sharing a lovely photograph and poem from Stillborn Still Loved Foundation. " Stillborn Still Loved Foundation October 15, 2022    ·  As I light this candle, Tears fill my eyes, Imagining broken hearts, and too soon goodbyes. I can feel the warmth, From the flickering flame, And it brings me comfort, Saying their names. They existed, They matter, But life’s not the same, Without the pitter patters, Down our hallways. I look at the light, Knowing it will burn out soon, That this candle is a simple reminder, of empty rooms. But I smile because I know That this is a symbol of love, As our babies shine stars for us Up above. Written by Hailey Ricks I light my candle for my beautiful Laurelai Antoinette and all of the precious babies gone too soon. It’s not going to let me tag everyone so I won’t tag at all but I have every single one of you on my heart this evening."

Being thankful for what you have...  

  Relatable. 

This is worth sharing again one year later, as I’m still in my grief from my most recent loss, my mother. From Refuge In Grief:   " Want to help a grieving friend? Let them be sad.⁣ Really. ⁣Sadness is a natural response to loss, hardship, and death. It just is.⁣ ⁣ And it's hard to know what to do when your friends are hurting. It sucks to see someone you love in pain. The thing is, you can’t cheer someone up by telling them to look on the bright side, or by giving them advice. It just doesn’t work.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ The trick is to lean into your helplessness in the face of your friend’s pain. Your job, honestly, is to feel awkward and stay there anyway. Just hang right out with their pain.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ When things are dark, it's OK to be dark. Really. Not every corner needs the bright light of encouragement. In a similar vein, don't encourage someone to have gratitude for good things that happened to them in the past or for good things that still exist. ⁣ ⁣ Example: We recently we saw a ...

It has been a long few years without you, my dear Noelle.  

Yes it does. One day at a time.  

 Challenging at times and my memory isn't what it used to be. Too many losses over the past 2 years. 

Words to take to heart...   

  I haven’t shared much recently. Truth be told I’m not doing ok this week. My mother’s memorial is this Thursday and then we lay her to rest at the cemetery in Lexington that afternoon. Today’s sermon at church hit me to my core. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…” I agree, while well-meaning, it’s not the best thing to say, to someone who is grieving and best to avoid mentioning during a memorial or funeral. Being there, just being in the moment with someone who is grieving means more than you know. Words are not always required to show your support. If you feel called to, you’re welcome to give today’s service a listen and if in the area, join me next week at the 9am contemporary service, at First United Methodist Church Blue Springs . This church has been a very accepting and supportive environment. I’m thankful for those I’ve met here and the peace attending has brought me. https://fb.watch/iKbXclM-G5/

I needed to hear this today...  

Experiencing some deep emotions. Worry has been on my mind.  

 Saw this today and felt like it called to me..

  My mother’s obituary. (Shortened version) Carolyn Jean (Lichte) Bueker April 29th, 1952 - August 9th, 2022 Carol, 70, of Arnold, MO, passed away peacefully at Mercy South Hospital in St. Louis, MO, on Tuesday, August 9th 2022, surrounded by her family. Carol was born on April 29th, 1952, in Lexington, MO. She was the daughter of Melvin and Lorraine (Vonau) Lichte. Carol graduated in 1975 from Central Missouri State University with a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work. Carol married Roy Bueker in Boonville, MO on August 18th, 1973. They moved to Arnold, MO and had two children, Evelyn and Adam. Roy preceded her in death in 1992. Carol had an incredible memory, and spoke fondly about growing up on a farm as a child, life with her cousins, memories with her brother, and attending church with her family where her father was a Reverend. Carol enjoyed spending time with her family, gathered around the breakfast table, sharing memories and homemade meals together during holidays, birthday...

  Take it one moment at a time. Self care is important. 

  Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone after loss… “I don’t know what to say but let me sit beside you in your grief.”

  Today my heart is more heavy. As my kiddo talks to his grief counselor, I sit here in the reality of this moment. Our child doesn’t like to be upset, it’s hard to be sad. He would rather tell jokes and change the subject. Truth is, death is a sad topic. And as I hear our son recall what happened to his grandmother, I realize his memory is very clear. Taking tubes out of his grandma’s mouth so she could breathe on her own, and then she died… I sit here in tears. Mom wanted to live to be 100 after her second time In the hospital, in May. And then we agreed, after that didn’t seem as possible, she would take it decade by decade, Mom would only live about two more months after that. This week I went to the cemetery, my brother, a text away so we could send photos to each other and discuss what we wanted for a cemetery plot and stone memorial for Mom. Our cousin, (one of Mom’s first cousins), met me out there, it was a great comfort to me because I wasn’t there alone. Grief is an ocea...

  On Tuesday my mother of 70 years young, died peacefully at the hospital, surrounded by the love of her family. I had a surreal and emotional moment, one that reminded me of my time with our daughter Noelle, when I could feel the second my mother's spirit left her body. I was holding Mom's right hand, my brother her left hand, with my aunts, my husband and our son. It was after Mom's passing, that many tears released and an emotional wave months and years in the making, let my heart and soul ache out in cries. Today I made several calls and my work is not complete, many more for tomorrow. Worked on writing my mother's obituary throughout the day with emotional breaks in between. Taking care of my grandmother's affairs after her passing was challenging yet it somehow brought me peace, helping my husband in the past after the sudden loss of his mother, was heartbreaking. This however for my mother has been beyond anything I've experienced, and doing my best to no...

 May have one of these days sooner than later.  It's been a rough last three months. 

  Before I fall asleep. Grief is losing many children. Grief is losing family. GRief is losing more children Grief is losing family members. Grief is the struggle in between and what you thought would be, is not. Grief is watching your parent’s body slowly die… Grief is three long months of terrible sleep. Grief is loss. Grief is the unknown. Grief is the loss of control over a situation that is absolutely out of your control. Grief is loss. Losing my mother slowly has been one of the second hardest things I’ve had to go through . Losing my daughter Noelle was one of the first hardest things I’ve had to go through . I’m not ok but I’ll keep doing my best. Emotions are surfacing every day. Grief is the loss of what will be and what could be. I felt a calling to write. This is the blur of exhaustion talking through emotions and exhaustion. I’m so tired. I feel like I’m already experiencing the grief of loss. Because I am. Grief is normal, not taboo, and absolutely ok. I’m not alone...

 No parent should have to bury their child.  And no matter the age, loss hurts.  Grief is a deep ocean of emotions.  Morning thoughts. 

Through pain we make the best of what we have...  

  Made something for myself today. I needed this. <3

  I know my ability to read or pay as close attention to things has greatly changed since the loss of our Noelle about 1.5 years ago. Grief changes you.

  How can you support others? Would you want another person making their choices for your body? Let’s create a hopeful future. Thankful I’ve been able to help support loss parents for 9 years now. Originally written on my support page in memory of my identical twin daughters, Fruit Of The Womb Angels. "In the past nine years I’ve been a part of the child loss community supporting others. The support I received months prior inspired me to create this page in memory of our identical daughters we lost from TTTS. This is what I’ve learned. Children lost due to miscarriage, abortion, still-birth, SIDS, those with a fatal or chromosomal diagnosis, children lost after birth or years later. These parents grieve. Each person has had a different story to tell about their journey through loss. To the parent who lost their child because their body almost died due to an ectopic pregnancy. I hear you and I support you. To the parent who was a victim of rape, dearly wanted their child however ha...

Feels so true, especially this week.  

  Years ago what I felt already, was confirmed after carrying and losing our identical twin daughters. Right to choose. And then I carried to term, our daughter Noelle, she lived with us for about ten hours and died from Full Trisomy 18. I’m thankful I was able to have that time with her. Thankful I didn’t have anything life threatening that could have killed me and forcing me to make a choice to abort her before she was born. Not everyone has that luxury or that choice. The circumstances are different for each individual. Many have heartbreaking choices to make during their lives. I am only walking in my shoes, and can not expect nor ask others to walk as I have. My life is important. My rights are important. In case of a life-threatening situation, my life would be just as important. Those who know me may understand my feelings and recall our history of child losses. Women's rights, and the rights of those who carry children, are meant to protect ALL, regardless of their situatio...